The Top 10 Weirdest Things Sookie Ever Heard
by wicked18writer
Summary: 10 Times Sookie overheard people thinking, written in the POV of each character, don’t worry about setting, if you know who the character is, your good.


The Top 10 Weirdest Things Sookie Telepathically Ever Heard

**Summary:** 10 Times Sookie overheard people thinking, written in the POV of each character, don't worry about setting, if you know who the character is, your good.

**Rating:** T for language and suggestion

**Author:** wicked18writer

**Spoilers:** There maybe allusions to the books but, if you just watch the show you'll get it. I try to keep the book's influence light so I won't ruin the show for only-TV people. I hate being spoiled so I try hard not to spoil it for anyone else.

**1. Jason Stackhouse**

I wonder if people would still hate gay guys if their sex didn't include the butt. Maybe if the prostrate gland were located behind the knee or somewhere else un-sexy, people wouldn't mind so much if two guys fuc--Or maybe gays would be more accepted if all they did was blowjobs, cause if the prostrate gland is in the back of the throat it'd be just like that movie "Debbie Does Dallas". And everybody I know loved that movie.

**2. Andy Bellefleur**

It don't make no sense that Sookie Stackhouse is the only Stackhouse with a super power and/or mutation. I suspect there ain't something right with the whole lot of Stackhouse's. I mean, there were those rumors about one of her uncles having the telepathy thing too! And Adele Stackhouse always gave the impression that she knew more than she let on; maybe she could see the future? And her cousin Hadley who supposedly disappeared, well she could have moved to any bustling metropolis and could be using her powers right at this very moment and no one would ever know! And Jason, well, Jason…and that's where the theory falls apart I suppose.

Mayhap Sookie got bitten by a radioactive vampire as a child, just one of my many theories on the origins of Sookie's power. Or maybe Jason Stackhouse _does_ have a super power but he's just _so_ _super_ that no one ever suspects him of being different, on the other hand I am a damn fine detective and I doubt a dull crayon like Jason could ever pull one over on me. Still, maybe Jason's whole demeanor is an act; maybe he has super strength and goes out fighting crime with his sister on the weekends wearing some sort of spandex costume meant to increase the look of his package. Like Batman maybe he uses his reputation as a man-slut and an idiot to mask a secret superhero identity…or maybe his super power is just super horniness.

**3. Sam Merlotte**

Sure I bet guys like Lafayette, Terry, and hell maybe even Hoyt and Tara might be able to accept that I'm a one-stop shop menagerie, but I doubt people like Jason or Arlene or most of the other townsfolk would be able to understand my ability to shift, let alone accept me in spite of it.

I mean with them it'll probably be me answering weird question after irritating question. Like, "If you turned into a chicken could you lay your own egg?", "Which species do you like fornicating with the best?", "You think you got a litter of hybrid animal/shifter out there that you don't know about? Or didya pull out even as an animal?" and "Aren't you technically a cannibal cause your not a vegetarian and enjoy eating meat?" Seriously, who needs to deal with that bullshit I'd rather keep my secret and suffer in silence than open the can o' worms called _honesty_.

**4. Arlene Fowler**

I've seriously got to get a damn lock for my bedroom door. If I come home one more time to see Coby and Lisa all dressed up in my clothes, I'm gonna kill 'em. Is it too much to ask that Lisa stay out of my jewelry box and Coby to stay out of my high-heels and make-up? It's not like I'd disown Coby if he turned out to be one of the gays, but I'll be damned if I don't do everything in my power to keep the little fruit at least semi-normal.

That reminds me, I am to never, ever, ever, let Lafayette baby-sit EVER again. Last thing I need is Lisa going 'round calling everybody 'hooker' and Coby getting lessons in how to be an abrcafabulous drag queen. I can't believe Lafayette taught that boy how to put on eyeliner, I can't believe Coby did such a good job either, steady hands my boy, he could wind up being a brain surgeon with hands that stead. Anyway it don't matter cause Coby ain't wearing no more make-up, no way, no how, not even guy liner!

**5. Lafayette Reynolds**

Don't know why Billy's complexion seems paler to me than all the other vamps but it Shirley does, yes ma'am. Damn Bill Compton is one dead white guy! For real, the man's been around for a hundred and some odd years, and the guy's never heard of bronzer? Or even fake spray tans? Hmm, full body spray tans that caters exclusively to vamps, that could be an exciting new business venture for him to explore when this whole selling 'v' thing blew up in his face.

Back to broad shouldered Bill and his misleading appearance. See there's potential in Bill and I can see it, one merely has to look past the ashen pallor, oh so proper posture and the hideous clothes to see it. Oh, hooker those clothes, talk about bad ju ju. The guy is just wrong for Sookie, but the guy looks sturdy enough to teach her how to ride Mr. Right right when she dumps his decomposing ass. Girl like Sookie needs to set her sights a little higher, maybe on a taller, more blonde, Viking-esque individual? Not that anyone ever asks me, and not that Sookie'd listen even if I told her what I thought of her style-less significant vampire.

How Sookie stayed a virgin 'till she met Compton is as mysterious as to why no one in this town appreciates my flavor. Speaking of flavor, I wonder how I could get me a taste of Sookie's undead honey-bee, he don't strike me as the kind to stray to far from the hive, but all men have a breaking point when it comes to wanton temptation. I'll just bet mister button-up and kakis makes a loud ruckus when he blows his top…mmh. I'd probably have to get Sook's drunk and high before she'd share with the rest of the class. Who knows? Maybe the next time she's tipsy she'll _want_ to do a threesome just she and me and mister sans-heartbeat. God knows those bitches need help in unwinding and I know just the sexually ambiguous short order cook to teach them the art of having a really good time.

**6. Steve Newlin**

If that vampire scum hadn't killed my father and forced me to become a warrior for God, I think I'd make a good car salesman. I'm personable, I can spot a sucker a mile away, and I'm very good at talking people into things, just ask my wife. Zing!

Plus, I wouldn't have to drive that beat up Jeep anymore, I could get me a nice mustang convertible. Just drive around with the top down in the middle of the day, letting the sun shine on me without thinking of it as the awesome power of God that has the capacity to turn the unholy carcasses of the undead into just dead carcasses. Yeah, that would be the life.

**7. Sarah Newlin**

If I hadn't married Steve I bet I'd just be a nice (_real church_) church going lady. I'd probably have a couple of kids by now. I'd get to be the domestic goddess 24/7 rather than the politician's wife where it's all sermons on salvation and secret plans of vampire damnation. Ta hee that rhymed. I know I could make Steve happy if he'd just quit the Fellowship and let us go back to normal. We could finally settle down and start our family that we've been putting off having _forever. _Well, not 'vampire forever', just human hyperbolic 'forever'.

Oh, I just want kids so bad. I could be a great soccer mom I just know it. If only Steve would just stop saying 'no its too dangerous' and 'no the vampires would use any offspring against us during the war'. Honestly, I'm going crazy! Baby crazy, I mean I'm not getting any younger. What if by the time the wars over I can't have kids anymore and we'll have to get one of those Franken-baby's made from a Petri dish or one of those incubator surrogate babies? Or even worse, one of the foreign adoptee ones? Oh, god why me? What did I do to deserve such a barren fate? Why do the gosh darn vampires have to ruin everything?

**8. Terry Bellefleur **

I know when push comes to shove people tend to shove back and them that don't don't survive. Pushy people like me who did what they had ta, we're the ones who're gonna last. Sookie's a pusher too. I think Sam could be a pusher but it would take some mighty big motivation to get him to take action. Sam's a bit of a laurel rester in my opinion, just look how long it took him to go after Sookie. Lafayette and Jason however are _all_ action and reaction; they'd probably kill someone without thinking and then worry about all the messy bits afterward. Can't exactly say I see Arlene or Hoyt, or Tara, Andy, or any of the other ultimately spineless sacks of pampered tushies in this town having what they call the 'killer instinct.' But I bet if you got the lot of them together mob mentality would take over and they'd be just of capable of murderous destruction as the next vampire.

I don't know why people is all obsessed with vampires and that shit. People need to wake up and look around, cause vamps aren't the only killers on the block, heck they ain't even the first. Cause vamps come from us, and we kill, so they kill and so I don't see why everyone's so uppity about them killing. Makes plenty of sense to me.

**9. Hoyt Fotenberry**

Sookie and Jason are just two of the best-looking brother and sister I've ever seen. Speaking objectively, as a completely heterosexual male, Jason is built like a brick shithouse. He's got those muscles, and his hair, how does it get it just so…. so. I wish I could get my hair to look like his. I also wish I could talk to girls with as much confidence as he has. I also wish (a lot) that I had a sister as beautiful as his.

I mean Sookie's got that shiny hair, and that skin she's always tanning out in her little bikini, and she's also got that uh…ample…god she's got such great boobs. Its not like I just like her cause of how she looks, because Sookie's so much more than what she appears. I mean she may look like the sweet little southern belle but I remember when she caught me peeking in on her getting dressed during her junior year, she's got quite a temper. Boy howdy. But she's also real kind and generous. And she don't hold grudges. Just about forgave me for peeking on her that very same day, course she did make sure it never happened again, using her brainpowers I suppose.

And now that Sookie's mostly got her 'disability' under control I think she could easily win a beauty contest or be Miss Bon Temp if she wanted, that's how pretty and nice she is. Although, she probably wouldn't win unless it was all the judges were guys, straight guys, cause the other folks in town like my mama just can't look past her problems with her head to see her.

I feel bad for her sometimes, people are constantly joking about how crazy she is and to be honest Jason doesn't always stand up for her. Not like I would. I know if she were my sister, or if she was in the room while people were being mean straight to her face, or if she overheard 'em and looked like she was gonna cry, I would stand up for her, defend her honor and what not. I mean folk's always gossiping how she's psychic but I tell 'em if she was psychic she would've been able to avoid acting weird cause she'd have already seen how people would react. Also she'd go to Vegas and get rich and not work in a crappy bar and endure getting hit on by drunk men who are very hands-y. Still, her weirdness never bothered me none, she's still super pretty. Just like Jason…

**10. Eric Northman**

What the hell is wrong with Compton? Does he want me to kill him? Why does he piss me off when he knows I could crush him like the insignificant gnat that he is? Does he not realize the depth to which I am willing to go to hide my guilt in arranging his untimely demise? Where does he get off telling me he's more in tune with the times? That he's 'hip' and 'with it', as the kids used to say about fifteen years ago. Just because he can mess around on the computer with a moderate amount of success does not a mainstreaming vampire make. No, Bill is a vampire afflicted with a disease many vampires are battling now a days called 'suck-in-the-past-itis'. Symptoms include dressing a decade or two behind the times, retaining manners when dealing with the human public, an overt sense of morality, and excessive use of the words 'old fashioned' 'traditional', and 'petticoat'.

It's an insult is what it is. Just because I don't know how to defrag the freaking plastic box that is the bane of my existence come tax season, doesn't mean I can't keep up with the world. I've spent the last 1,000 years keeping up with the world, the fashion, the etiquette, and the ever changing vernacular that is language. If that true blood swilling, monogamous relationship having, bullshit southern manners acting, poor pathetic excuse for a vampire thinks that I'm out of touch with the world, then, then…then the poor soul is far too deluded to benefit from any of my help and I shouldn't dwell on the inane ramblings of a madman any further.

A/N: Leave a review please.

Also, if you liked this you'd probably like some of my other stuff. So check that out.

Not that I'm telling you what to do…seriously no need to get hostile.


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